


Let the waters flow

by melusinezar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, M/M, ep96
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22837000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melusinezar/pseuds/melusinezar
Summary: Caduceus is glad they're so fast on the sea again after the Menagerie. Everyone in the party has stuff to do and he can cook almost all day long. And allow himself to feel.Spoilers ep 96
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 8
Kudos: 162





	Let the waters flow

Nicodranas is a blur. 

He watched Nott become Veth again, almost from afar, offering help as he could but mostly keeping an eye on Beau and Yasha. Mostly Beau though. She needs help, reassurances. She needs Dairon actually, to give her what she needs, which is a parental validation. Validation that she doesn't need to throw everything and herself away.

He thinks for a moment to talk to her but words escape him. 

He's a mess. He tries to meditate but it's harder than it ever was and he can't pinpoint why. Everything is fine for him now. His family is safe. All of them. They're in Uthodorn, together, in no danger, and with the means to save home. 

It's hard to picture. Home saved. It's been so long. He knows it by heart, the graves, the flowers, the mosses, the last wall Calliope put up before she left. He wonders what the seeds will look like once they're in the dirt. He hopes Reani will make them all go back safe. He should have told them about Nila. He completely forgot about Nila.

He's relieved once the Balleater leaves port. A normal leaving. He watches from the front as shouts of seagulls and Fjord resonates behind him. 

He didn't expect to feel so grateful to be back on the infinite blue of the ocean, not after their first pirate round. But now he can see the comfort it brings Fjord. After all they went through in a week, the emotional rollercoaster and fear, it's incredibly soothing and grounding to be carried by the smell of salt, the sound of creaking wood and the shush of waves.

He wishes they can experience this once. His father would love it, Clarabelle too. It would be so easy to throw Colton in the water, or maybe he'll get seasick. Calliope would be excited to try to walk on the ground of the ocean and fight monsters. He can easily picture Corrin discussing with Orly and his mother taking notes on everything they would meet.

He spends the next day in the kitchen, preparing meals for the crew, lost and focused on the evenness of each slice of carrot. He almost cuts himself when the voice comes in his head.

"Hi sweety!"

The warm, soft, -alive!- voice of Constance caresses his mind.

"Just letting you know we're fine. We met one of your friend, Umagorn. I just... wanted to tell you I love you."

He doesn't reply immediately. 

It's still so strange to realize that they're all alive. Alive and well. That's not a terrified hope anymore. 

"Oh Umagorn yes. Great guy." he finally says, feeling the knot fill his throat. "I forgot to tell you, I met a firbolg, Nila, she's taking care of home now. She's great. You'll see."

Hopefully Nila and her family are okay too.

"Oh that's good news." There's a pause. Then a distinctive emotion in his mother's voice. "I'm so proud of you Caduceus. Have fun with your friends. We love you. I love you."

He lets go of the knife and wipes his nose on his sleeve, his vision getting blurry.

"Thank you Mom. I really really missed you. I love you too."

There's no response until at least five minute, his father's voice joins his head. 

"Your mom tells me to tell you we love you and we missed you and you can talk to us whenever you want."

He can't help but smile and laugh a bit as he replies, trying to stop the flow of tears now completely blinding him.

"Thank you, Dad. I will. I love you."

He's now hiding his whole face in his sleeve, wetting it quickly as he doesn't know anymore if he's crying or laughing. All the anxiety, the anguish, the fears, the hopelesseness he tried so so so hard to keep at bay through his faith all this time are being purged from his body. 

They're all alive. All really alive. It's finally hitting him deeply. His prayers were finally concretised. And it's such a relief and a tear in his heart because he changed so much and he wants to go home but he can't and he never thought he would become this way because he owes so much to the rest of the group. He needs to figure out how to repay them. But he has no idea when it will be enough to fulfill equally their help. He doesn't know if he'll ever really be able to go home; home that will be changed by the time it'll happen. He has everyone back now yet he feels so lonely in this uncertainty.

When he goes back up on the deck, he notices immediately the worried and concerned looks they all give him. He probably wasn't very discreet in his turmoil. He's too tired to feel even a bit shy about it. 

He crosses the deck, a smoking cup in his hands, and goes to the most tranquil space, the very front of the ship. The sun is slowly setting, its warm color mixing with the dark of the growing night.

Beau is the first to approach him.

She stands near him awkwardly, eyes cast downward, her whole posture exhales how tormented she feels and her terrible attempts to try to hide and scream it at the same time.

« Hey » she mumbles after a minute of searching her words. « I just wanted to… say I’m sorry… For being an ass at the oasis. I was drunk and… I know it’s not an excuse… I’m just… sorry. »

He turns his tired, dried eyes to her, unknowing if he really resent her for her attitude.

« It’s okay. » he decides. « It was a rough week. » He wants to add that maybe it’s a good thing they left so quickly, that the possibility of bringing Corrin back and his brother and his little sister took priority over their shenanigans. But he doesn’t. He’s tired. He still feels raw from all the emotions that poured out of him barely an hour ago and he doesn’t really feel like talking. 

As the journey will go on he knows he’ll get back together enough again to again be stable enough for her to work through her own whirlwind of emotions and insecurities. 

He smiles weakly at her and sips at his tea.

She asks him if he’s okay. Her voice full of shame, raw of concern. All he can do is shrug. She doesn’t push. He can see from the corner of his eye the effort it takes her to restrain the impulse. 

« All right. Goodnight Caduceus. »

« Goodnight, Beau »

She walks away, hunched, with another weight of shame on her mind. He thinks of Calliope. Of Colton. 

He breathes deeply the mixed scent of tea and sea.

* *  
He’s almost ready for bed when Fjord knocks on his door with honeyed cookies and a full teapot. Caduceus smiles widely as his friend sets it down on a stool, a makeshift table, and starts pouring.

« Probably not as good as yours. » Fjord apologizes with a chuckle. 

It’s not, indeed, but Caduceus really appreciate the gesture. They drink, and nibble silently. They don’t share a room anymore. Since they got this ship and when they’re on it at least. Fjord might have left the captain’s quarters to Orly, there’s still enough rooms for him to have one fitting his position. It’s nice to have him come join him though, before he beds down, before Fjord goes back to captaining.

« You know, I had a thought. » Fjord stirs the silence. Caduceus looks at him, intrigued.

« We didn’t get to stay very long at the Menagerie, and I remembered after meeting your family that… » the corner of his lips quirk up a second, « I never seen your home. And I thought that, maybe, after you know, the talks and then Travelercon, that we could go see it… together. »

Very gently and awkwardly, Fjord takes his hand.

The rooms quietly creaks under the gentle roll of the waves.

Caduceus smiles, warmth filling his body and his face, turning the usual pale grey darker and pinker. Fjord’s fingers are rough and soft.

« I would very much like to see it restored and… talk to her there. And the others will probably follow, but either ways… I really want to… go there with you. If that’s okay ? »

« Yes » Caduceus nods. « It’s definitely okay. I would love to show it to you. » 

He laughs, skin tingling under the touch of Fjord’s, a swell of tender and passionate emotion spreading through his raw nerves. He can’t stop smiling, trying to form words but it’s hard to think how to choose them to convey how he feels right now.

He left home so he could hope to help his family. He still doesn’t feel ready to go back. And he still feel like his debt is still unpaid. Potentially even growing now that Fjord is holding his hand, thumb rubbing on his knuckles. 

But his family is safe now, and Fjord wants to come see the Grove.


End file.
